Light-hearted fun

If anybody else is tired and looking to disengage from all the serious stuff, please post here any humorous content you’d like to share.

I’d like to start by a PC version of Little Red Riding Hood from “Politically Correct Bedtime Stories” by James Finn Garner. It was written back in 1994, so probably the satire is closer to reality now than originally intended.

Once there once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother’s house – not because this was womyn’s work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.

So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket through the woods. Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident enough in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not intimidate her.

On the way to Grandma’s house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, “Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.”

The wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.”

Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must be on my way.”

Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Westernstyle thought, the wolf knew a quicker route to Grandma’s house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma’s nightclothes and crawled into bed.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, “Grandma, I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch.”

From the bed, the wolf said softly, “Come closer, child, so that I might see you.”

Red Riding Hood said, “Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!”

“They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear.”

“Grandma, what a big nose you have – only relatively, of course, and certainly attractive in its own way.”

“It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear.”

“Grandma, what big teeth you have!”

The wolf said, “I am happy with who I am and what I am,” and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the wolf’s apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space. Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopperperson (or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the wolf both stopped.

“And just what do you think you’re doing?” asked Red Riding Hood.

The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him.

“Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you” she exclaimed. “Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can’t solve their own problems without a man’s help!”

When she heard Red Riding Hood’s impassioned speech, Grandma jumped out of the wolf’s mouth, seized the woodchopper-person’s ax, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever after.

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Can’t believe this was written in '94.

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Great topic, Joana. Here’s one of my favorites:

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Goosebumps!..touching story @Joana

Two of my favorite W.C. Fields quotes:

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

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C programmers don’t die – they just get cast to void pointer.

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Old programmers never die, they just lose their memory.

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According to Titania McGrath in Britian’s The Critic magazine:

"Too often we are quick to judge and demonise those we do not understand. As a vegan and humanitarian, I welcome refugees of any species.

And yes, that includes the coronavirus.

It is surely no coincidence that the so-called “medical community” has decided to focus its ire on a Chinese virus rather than, say, German Measles, Japanese Encephalitis or Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. I consider the search for a vaccine to be profoundly racist.

Already, the virus has been renamed “Covid-19” in a flagrant attempt at dehumanisation. Do you know who else was given numbers instead of names? That’s right. Those two gay robots in Star Wars .

The problem we now face is that racists like that oxidized hobgoblin Donald Trump are now using the phrase “Chinese virus” as a racist dog-whistle. On the other hand, it should go without saying that denying the coronavirus its right to a national identity post-migration is also a racist dog-whistle. Therefore, those of us who oppose racism must be sure that we never refer to the virus as Chinese, or deny that it is, in fact, Chinese.

During this difficult time, we must all work together to ensure that this pandemic does not distract us from the far more serious problem of people being misgendered on Twitter. Indeed, given the fact that hardly any elderly people are non-binary, I cannot help but think that all this concern for the over-seventies is rather transphobic. Why should boomers suddenly be getting all the attention?

The best thing about the coronavirus is that it has revealed just how privileged white people are. Ethnic minorities like me (literally nothing about me is white except for my skin colour) have had to deal with systemic oppression all our lives. Suddenly whites are discovering what it feels like to live in fear and everything gets shut down. This is white fragility in action.

For now, I am making my contribution by taking to social media and urging all straight white males to self-isolate. Not because of the coronavirus; I just can’t stand them."

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OMG @Andrew_W @PeterfromOZ @RayAndrews

I’ve wanted somewhere to post these before deleting

image

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That’s some atmosphere there Ted. I’m not sure if it was as suspenseful a story as my desperately full bladder had me believe.

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The Einstein one is pretty good.

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I somehow thought you’d like that

you’d like that

Relatively.

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To what?

To what?

Speed of light in vacuum?

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"Veganism - Hypocrisy! This is great

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Ohhh silly me.

You know this joke I’m sure.

One guy says to his friend, ‘before I took that statistics class I thought correlation implied causation. Now I don’t’

His friend said, ‘sounds like that class really helped you understand stats a bit better’

First guy said ‘Well, perhaps’.

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The first guy was me, a determinist.

Nah, bro